What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 05:03
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am 13 and I am planning to run away. What should I do to succeed?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
Do humans know everything they need to know?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I don,t even have a pension.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do married men know when their wives are having affairs?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
How do you weigh in on the Vance-couch conversation?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
Why do some people have loving parents and some do not?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
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All the time i was locked up.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So whats the point in blame.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
My family never makes their pension either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it wasn’t much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?